Las Vegas Gleaner

Area self-promotion champion psyches out local media

From the RJ's coverage of War Party default nominee John McCan't, who came to Las Vegas Friday to hoover up some cash and then meet with members of the local press:

Because the question-and-answer session ended nearly 10 minutes before it was supposed to start, most local reporters who were on time to the event missed it and had no chance to ask the candidate about local concerns.

Yes, BFD. The Gleaner didn't even bother to go to the event, yet still managed to wholly and accurately report McCan't's positions on local concerns. If local reporters feel they actually need to be in the same room with an asshat like McCan't to write up what he's thinking, well, that's their problem.

More interestingly, perhaps, is that McCan't completely blew his own schedule just days after elevating area Sig Rogich promoter Sig Rogich to some new phony role or other in the campaign. And what is Rogich's claim to fame, the acme of his magnificent career, the one thing that he promotes above all others, even above bringing peace to Iceland?

Covering up a gubernatorial candidate's drunken attempted rape of a woman half his age, of course.

But coming in at a close second is working for Bush's dad.

As an event scheduler.

Good to see Sig hasn't lost a step over the decades. Not only did he minimize area coverage on how much McCan't loves nuclear waste and hates college sports betting, but he also got the candidate out of the fundraiser in time for his first nap of the afternoon.

Locals grudgingly pony up for default nominee

Peloponnesian War veteran John McCan't (pictured, second from left) visited Nevada War Party Headquarters in Las Vegas where he told several people who had nothing better to do on a beautiful Friday afternoon that like it or not they're stuck with him so they might as well just shut the fuck up and write him a check (KLAS).

The audience obliged, inasmuch as it consisted largely of upper-mid-level gambling corporation executives who have to give money to whatever lame-ass has-been politician their boss says. Which sort of sucks except they can afford it and they are after all upper-mid-level gambling corporation executives so really who cares.

"Listen fuckers, er, my friends," McCan't told the audience, "just because as your president I will be consumed and obsessed with continuing the optional glorious wars and permanent occupations of foreign lands needlessly begun by my predecessor, I assure you that rushing to dump all of the nation's most deadly radioactive waste right here in Southern Nevada and pursuing energy policies guaranteed to generate even more waste at a faster rate than at any time in this nation's history will also be top priorities in my administration."

Then McCan't waddled down the hall to the sports book and placed a few bets on college basketball for the very last time because he's going to ban betting on college sports when he's in the White House.

In other important McCan't news...

He's running an ad reminding everybody that there's going to more wars, my friends, more wars when he's president, but if you vote for that Obama guy then all we'll have is wimpy peace and prosperity.

Also, recent polling reveals that McCan't is old.

Mathematics with wingnuts

Apropos of nothing much that matters but because it was stumbled upon in the course of some non-Gleaner-related research and sometimes it's just nice to share ...

In November, a Utah referendum on vouchers was defeated at the polls. Muth said that was because "the teachers union came in and spent oodles of money and misrepresented what it would do, and they (the backers) didn't have the resources to compete." (RJ)

Meanwhile...

Parents for Choice in Education, the pro-voucher organization behind the proposed voucher law spent more than $5 million over the past year in efforts to ensure the program stayed on the books.

...the hastily formed Utahns for Public Schools organization, an anti-voucher coalition backed by the Utah Education Association, spent around $2 million less than PCE. Nonetheless, in November Utahns for Public Schools were able to win voters over and the law fell to a 62 percent statewide vote. (Deseret Morning News)

Whoever this Muth person is, maybe he should consider a career in politics. He's already totally got the wingnut math chops down.

Law enforcement enjoying banner year

Sure, the more people the police kill, the safer everyone feels.

But how many deaths at the hands of the authorities does it take before Southern Nevadans will feel really and truly safe?

It looks like an answer to that question could finally be upon us; area law enforcement is quietly on a pace in 2008 to shatter all previous records for killing the citizenry in a single year.

Before the politicians start leading parades and scheduling celebrations and taking credit for this important milestone, it should be remembered that these things seem to go in cycles.

But even if authorities are unable to sustain the impressive kill rate established in the first three months of the year, the community can at least rest assured that no matter how many people cops kill 'round here, the homicides will always be "justifiable."

For some of the names and all of the raw and glorious numbers (along with the customary color commentary) by all means consult the Gleaner's latest column in CityLife. And please cooperate fully.

They're only smiling on the outside

Remember how the nation's worst governor and his weirdo wife were going to get a divorce, and then the media was all ooh boo hoo it offends our delicate sensibilities to write about this but now that it's out there etc. etc. etc.? Whatever happened to that, anyway?

The Gleaner is pleased to announce: Don't know!

However, mean rumors that have no place in the public sphere, and so which we will now dutifully spread, contend that the famous weekend meeting that had been so optimistically anticipated by the caring media in fact failed to produce a breakthrough between the warring parties, and so divorce papers are to be served. Soon. Probably.

Additionally, it is in point of fact the insensate, soulless glassy-eyed pathological liar of a governor who will be the one doing the serving. That would confirm the version originally maliciously published by the Gleaner, as opposed to the version no less maliciously reported by Wonkette. So take that, well-staffed political humor arm of a generously capitalized website publishing empire.

Then again, the rumors could be wrong, s'pose, and the poor mixed-up kids could be working through their problems — or at least compartmentalizing their mutual detestation of each other for political expediency. Right? But if that's the case, why does it take the Easter Bunny and his giant carrot/human hybrid snack to keep the happy couple from gouging each other's eyes out?

Miniglean

• Area reporter falls on sword, publicly apologizes to all the reporters everywhere for contributing to herd mentality of nation's political press corps. Poynter
• Leftover/warmed over item from earlier in the week No. 1: Sig Rogich promoter Sig Rogich has been named as a pseudo sort-of media person for the McCan't campaign (Cilliza via the aforementioned local reporter). Let's go out on a limb and guess that Rogich isn't really expected to contribute to McCan't media strategy, but has been named to the group in return for raising money for McCan't — a token of appreciation that Rogich can use on his actually paying clients (bitchy little area megalomaniac) to continue to foster the notion that he is a) relevant and b) worth all that money.
• Leftover/warmed-over item from earlier in the week No. 2: Speaking of Adelson and Rogich, the latter apparently hasn't done squat for the former's warmongering propaganda arm. NYT
• Thank goodness Kirk Kerkorian sold Las Vegas to Dubai. Otherwise the local economy might suck. AP
• Before we forget and in case you missed it: Stuff White People Like.

UNLV dean suckered into churchy PR stunt

The dean of UNLV's Science Department will be irresponsibly bestowing unwarranted legitimacy on the pro-magic views of an anti-evolution churchy fantasist. That is to say that the dean, microbiologist Ronald Yasbin, has agreed to participate in a "Creation and Evolution Debate."

Yasbin will be foolishly lending credibility to, er, "debating" someone called Dr. Charles Jackson (pictured, explaining that reason went thataway) from something called the Points of Origins Ministries, "the ministry that makes a stand upon the scientific case for a literal six-day creation about 6000 years ago, as recorded in the Book of Genesis."

However persuasive or inane the "arguments" presented by either party at the "debate," the hocus-pocus peddler has already won, by virtue of finding a dean of a science department at an accredited doctoral granting university who has agreed to be on the same stage with him. Now the good Dr. Jackson (no relation to Gleaner proprietorship, or at least one desperately hopes) will have something new to crow about ("a real live scientist debated me!") the next time he finds himself encouraging someone to donate to his ministry or buy one of his DVDs.

The fiasco is scheduled for April 1, so there is the chance, s'pose, that it is all an elaborate April Fool's prank being perpetrated on an unsuspecting community by playful if not particularly witty elements within the local academy. Then again, from Gov. McSkanktard's budget cuts to Regent Stavros Anthony's batshit crazy gun-nuttery, that's the hope with respect to so many developments regarding higher education in Nevada, i.e., that someone, anyone, must be joking. But they never are, are they?

Hairdo still magnificently, profoundly impotent

Poor Senator McWedgeshot. He still sucks.

"Republican senators with millions of dollars in their campaign accounts have given little or nothing to the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC), despite its desperate pleas for cash funds," reports The Hill:

Fewer than 10 Senate Republicans met goals they received for an NRSC fundraiser with President Bush in McLean, Va., Tuesday evening. GOP senators were asked to contribute $100,000 from their campaign accounts or recruit four major donors for the event.

While NRSC Chairman Sen. John Ensign (Nev.) has been strapped for cash, his counterpart, Sen. Charles Schumer (N.Y.), chairman of the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC), has persuaded colleagues to give hundreds of thousands of dollars from their personal campaign accounts to the party’s cause.

The story goes on to point out that even John McCan't vice-presidential hopeful Joe Lieberman has given $100,000 to the Democrats. Which is pretty remarkable inasmuch as Lieberman hates the Democrats and he would also hate all they stand for in the event that they stand for something someday.

In what must be quite a blow for Ensign, his long-time defender of traditional values and much-cherished ally in the culture wars, Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, hasn't forked over a dime to the Ensign-led NRSC.

At least ol' Borin' Orrin Hatch has come through, as have Missouri's destined-for-perpetual-obscurity Sen. Kit Bond and Arizona wingnut John Kyl.

But dang, Ensign's fine and good friend and highly regarded colleague David Vitter of Louisiana isn't listed as coming through with the dough, which suggests he's among the ranks of War Party slackers — and even after Ensign went out of his way to praise Vitter for confining his whoremongering to members of the opposite sex. So that must be a disappointment to the 'Do, and to Little Mikey Slanker too.

And now, out of the blue, a few remarks on Our American Culture

The young hottie at right is one Kristy Lee Cook, and she's the Karl Rove of this season's American Idol teevee show.

Her voice is mediocre, which is to say it is far superior to her musical taste. Up until Tuesday evening, her most, or only, memorable performance involved the premeditated murder of the Beatles' "Eight Days a Week," which she not only killed but also sliced up and then stuffed into a grotesque bumpkin jig guaranteed to make the most slack-jawed yokels at the hoedown recoil in mortified horror. Hard to top — or bottom, as the case may be? You bet.

But she did it. After flirting with elimination every week since the season started, Cook decided it was time to bust out what she no doubt hopes is a "get out of jail free card." So she appealed to America's strong streak of embarrassingly idiotic militarist team spirit and sang Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Poorly.

Of course the quality of Cook's singing is neither here nor there. Cook's real performance was the act of selecting the song itself. Cook was exploiting the nation's adolescent nationalism, or as it's more commonly but falsely named, patriotism, in aid of a narrow self-serving agenda, not unlike War Party politicians, their wingnut media apologists or, of late, the Clintons.

What were Randy, Paula and Simon to do? Call Cook out for brazenly attempting to manipulate Idol's voting public with blatant trickery that only cheapens the very message Cook was ostensibly singing about? Sadly no. Oh, to their credit, Randy and Paula, albeit ever so gently, reiterated that Cook can not, in point of fact, sing very well. Simon Cowell, meantime, raved about how wonderful the performance was and how "brilliant" Greenwood is and generally put his tail between his legs and snapped to salute, as is Cowell's custom whenever presented with anything remotely connected to the Bush administration's military adventurism.

Every politician of both parties, like every car dealership and furniture store in every corner of the country, crassly exploits so-called "patriotism" for their own ends.  Girls and young women have been twirling flaming batons to "God Bless America" in beauty contests ever since John McCan't helped Irving Berlin write the song in 1918. The bastardization, vulgarization and exploitation of pride in the country's heritage and values is so commonplace that it's hardly surprising that a 24-year-old would give it a go in a singing competition.

Yes, when Bush and his enablers make cynical calculated decisions that take advantage of or, in the case of warmongers of the Democratic variety, cater to the disturbing and visceral impulses of the American rabble, shit gets blown up and thousands of people die. When Kristy Lee Cook does it, the worst that can happen is she buys herself another week (or two, at the outside) on a teevee show.

Still it is perfectly understandable if, after the young woman's star-spangled musical pander-fest Tuesday, some of American Idol's more discriminating viewers might have muttered "fuck the heartland."

Miniglean

• Last weekend, local loyal peace-loving Americans made perfectly good use of sidewalks that remain public despite the most nefarious efforts of bitchy little area megalomaniac Sheldon Adelson. Teevee stations were there (YouTube) though none of the weekend staffers representing the local broadcast community seemed to make the connection between the demo's location — in front of the megalomaniac's Venetian — and the megalomaniac's famous warmongering. It's enough to prompt a nagging suspicion that sometimes local teevee news programs might just be phoning it in.
• Kids of all ages have been yucking it up over the video evidence proving conclusively that Hillary Clinton is just like one of those creepy guys who goes around telling everyone he was in the special forces over and over again until the lie becomes such a part of his severely insecure psyche that he believes it himself. So naturally Clinton did what any phony would do after getting humiliatingly and embarrassingly caught pretending to be a Navy Seal: she tried to change the subject. Specifically, she told anyone who would listen that she doesn't hate America as much as Barack Obama and his evil anti-American churchy geezer friend (AP). As always, Hillary, a grateful nation thanks you so very much for your valuable contribution to the discussion.
• Watch the Obama young woman sum things up if you haven't already.
• Remember John MoreWars McCan't? The War Party's default, grudgingly accepted presidential nominee? He continues to send out emails asking someone to pay attention to him, or at least send him money. In the latest, he explains that the Straight Talk Express, the Orwellian-named bus that he still pretends to ride on sometimes, will be visiting all the places he has been while serving so gallantry in the military. "This tour will take me through Mississippi, Virginia, Florida and my home state of Arizona," says McCan't. So the first leg must cover his service in the Civil War, as well as his role in the defeat of Geronimo and the subjugation of the Apache people. Presumably during the next leg of the tour, McCan't (kneeling at far right in photograph) will visit Puerto Rico to reminisce about his heroism in the Spanish-American War, and then it's on to France to participate in an observance commemorating the actions of McCan't and other American soldiers in the Second Battle of the Marne.
• Frankly, the Gleaner is sickened and appalled that Nevada Wildlife Director Ken Mayer would suggest that antelope accidentally killed in something called an "aerial net gunning capture" should be barbecued and fed to legislators (RJ, Field&Stream). Mayer clearly is not qualified to hold a job with the title "wildlife director," or he would know that the only thing antelope meat is good for is jerky. Mayer owes state lawmakers an apology.